So many things I wish I could have done better in these past four years.
So many things I would have wanted to do differently.
So many words I would have left unsaid, as well as words I would have wanted to say if only my self consciousness or internal thoughts never got in the way:
No, I’m not okay.
Yes, I need help.
I just need some time to heal.
I could have attended this school, played this sport, asked this girl, taken this class, auditioned this way, worked harder…..
But all I get as a result of these thoughts is an empty feeling in the pit of my stomach. There’s nothing I can do about the past as much as I would like to. Even if I could, would it even make a difference?
I claim to trust in God’s will for me, but even now, I have my doubts. I want to change what’s passed; I’m discontent with my present.
Such an ungrateful and spoiled kid I can be.
Yet as graduation approaches ever so quickly for me, these thoughts have become such a habit for me to the point where I can’t even sleep. I don’t want to let go of these years in high school because part of me feels like I could have done a whole lot of things better. But again, that’s in the past.
Something’s telling me though, that maybe the reason why I’m holding on so much to the past is because I’m afraid of repeating these mistakes in the future. How’s that for a contradiction?
To be completely honest, I feel so broken right now, but I also have to admit to myself that I’ve never really ever had myself all figured out. Maybe it’s just time for me to let go and allow myself to be in repair.