I know it’s been a while since I’ve written you. But I promise you that you’ve continually been on my mind.
Because each time I look up at the stars, I can’t help but smile at the possibility that we could be gazing at the same one.
Each time I find myself out of place in this world with nowhere to go, I think of how I will come to find home in your arms.
Each time I count the days that pass me by without really knowing who you are, where you are, or when I’ll even find you - I think of how days, months, years, and decades can’t ever possibly compare to spending an eternity with you.
Each time a part of me wants to settle, I envision how lovely it would be to just hear your voice, your laugh; to feel your smile on my lips; the warmth of your embrace; and your eyes - I swear I could stare at them forever and drown in your love. Completely. Totally. Helplessly.
Tearing down my walls and just giving you everything. My insecurity. My weakness. My fragility.
Breaking down when I see the grandeur of God’s mercy manifested in you, my bride to be. Undeserving of your beauty. Your kiss. Your heart.
And I know that it feels like I’ve probably said all these things before, but I just can’t say them enough. I want you to know how much you mean to me, even now.
And I know it must sound crazy to you that one day you’ll fall in love with a complete weirdo who likes to ramble on about a girl he’s never even met. But it is. I am crazy. Crazy over the fact that you even exist somewhere. Crazy over you. And I’ll continue to be as long as you’re in my mind.
Even beyond these last few weeks of high school. Even beyond the next four years at Berkeley. Even beyond my future plans, dreams, and endeavors. I promise to keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
I promise to wait for you.
To my future bride,
I think that now would be a good time to tell you that I’m much weaker than I’ve probably revealed to you thus far.
I’ve written you time and time again about how willing I am to wait for you, when in reality, I’m growing impatient. A part of me wants to settle. I want to know what it’s like to stupidly smile at a cellphone screen because of a text message. I want to know what it’s like to hold hands with a girl and do cheesy things with her just to make her laugh. I want to know what it’s like to have nothing more than the thought of a girl in my mind, and though initially when I started writing these letters to you, you were the girl that came to my mind, I’m starting to get frustrated with trying to concretely visualize you in these images and I’m starting to feel incredibly deprived of what it feels like to be in a relationship.
But isn’t that so selfish of me? For forgoing the pursuit of you just so I can use somebody else to fulfill these empty desires?
Relationships should not be an end in themselves, but a means for something greater.
Why, then, am I finding it hard to wait for this something greater? Why am I finding it hard to wait for you?
Am I finding it hard to trust that God has prepared somebody special and beautiful and precious and funny and awkward and loving for me?
Or am I just stupid for pursuing a feeling, an emotion, an act itself, rather than a person? Rather than you?
Hahahaha first off, props for fitting this all into the 500 character ask limit. :P
Well I’ve definitely had a similar experience to yours seeing an attractive, holy looking girl pop in and out of daily Mass every now and then in my parish LOL and I kinda understand that sense of wanting to get to know her more and be friends with her.
She’s been a distraction for me as well and I guess though it’s a wonderful gift from God that we can appreciate His creation, it’s easy to fall into the traps of infatuation and the tendency to make people out to be much more than what they are. Like, you begin the paint a picture of this stranger based on what you can externally see and suddenly your mind takes over the whole canvas and you begin to paint a picture of this person with the brush of your internalized expectations and hopes and ideas of perfection.. When really, until you actually get to talk to the person and get to know them, you won’t even know if these things are true.
Take my unhealthy obsession with Emma Watson for example. I might claim that she’s the most magical girl I’ve ever seen before in my life because she’s cast a spell on me but if I’m just basing this on her character from the Harry Potter movies or from what I’ve read about her without really actually personally getting to know her then I’m really not in the position to say she’s literally the most perfect girl in the world for me.
And like, even though that girl I see at daily Mass looks like she’d be “the one for me” in my mind just because her hair falls down the right way, her smile is enough to light up the whole church, or her reverence when receiving the Eucharist is just asdfghjkl; (I’ll stop now), it would be unfair to her and to me if I began to dwell on this unrealistic and incomplete image I have of her instead of resolve to actually get to know her more; talk to her, invite her for coffee etc…..
In this case then, we’d be dealing with a whole ‘nother thing. At least, I think I can speak for most young men when I say that most of the time, our inability or hesitation to ask girls out or get to know them more has to do with either pride or fear.
Either the pride that we don’t want to put ourselves out there and be subject to scrutiny or admit that wooing a girl involves some sense of humility, service, and chivalry; or the fear that we’ll be rejected, let down, too uninteresting, boring, or unable to keep up a relationship.
Idk. Just the way I see it though.
I wish I could say more about this, but I obviously can’t speak for what goes on in a girl’s mind, and, quoting the words of Chad Dansworth from High School Musical: I don’t attempt to understand the female mind… It’s foreign territory.
Hope this helps though! I know I kinda beat around the bush for this question A LOT but just in summary, be wary of infatuation/unrealistic expectations, either see this distraction as a way of God trying to tell you something and move you to action (talk to the guy, wait for him to talk to you
BUT I DO NOT SUGGEST THIS OMG NICE CATHOLIC GUYS MAKING THE FIRST MOVE LOL SO OUTRAGEOUS I CAN’T EVEN) or try to get rid of the distraction altogether - like, I don’t know. Switch parishes LOL.
Because if you just let the distraction be means for nothing more than wishful thinking and daydreaming and staring and whatnot, then……. You’re not really doing God’s will either way.
Good luck and God bless!
To my future bride,
I never knew it was possible for me to miss someone I haven’t even met yet.
But I do.
And if you were even considering in the slightest way that you would never be missed by anyone at all if you were to fall off the face of the earth right now like I used to a few years ago, I want you to know that I would.
And even now, I do.
To my future bride,
I can imagine it already.
I can imagine the light of your smile overcoming my darkness.
I can imagine the gaze of your eyes into mine.
I can imagine the touch of your skin, the smell of your hair.
I can imagine your fingers interlocked into mine, the sound of your laugh.
I can imagine the warmth of your embrace, your head on my shoulder.
With your lips on mine, drive me to madness, move me to tears, rid me of this senseless imagination, because I know that you should be even more valuable than just a girl of my dreams - for all I know, you probably already transcend anything I could ever hope for in a bride and more.